Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I party with great urgency now.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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