you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
