I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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