I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
