I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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