thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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