He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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