Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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