I like my sex mixed with concussions.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
