I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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