when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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