Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
