She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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