do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
i used baking grease as lip gloss
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
