the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize