so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
