Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
