it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
