Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
