I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
