I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
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