in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
