1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
