The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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