We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
