i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
