It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
