My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
