This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
You know, be my cock's hype man.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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