i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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