just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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