last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
