Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
it's great music for shaving your balls
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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