he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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