The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
