Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
