My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
