I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
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