I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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