Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
