life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
you guys were way drunker than both of me
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
