how can u be prego again
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
