Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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