I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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