Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
