He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
