I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
