I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
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