Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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