Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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