if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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