well you can't waste a boner
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
