To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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