How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
