smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
