I think scott just propositioned me for sex
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
