I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
