Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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