I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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