I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
