There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
